Several people close to me in recovery have returned to using, drinking, or active addiction. For many reasons this is always a struggle for me when it happens. For one, I’m concerned for the well-being of the person who has gone back to using drugs or drinking alcohol. I haven’t met too many people who have been in recovery and then returned to using/drinking to discover they could now control their using or drinking. I mean, really, most people don’t seek out recovery unless they are in dire straits and have tried every way they can fathom to control their using or drinking on their own. I’m sure there are exceptions, it’s just I haven’t met more than a couple in the past 20 years. Another reason I struggle with this issue is a bit selfish. I come to love and rely on the people I know in recovery and I need them in my life.
One friend who has returned to active addiction did so in the typical fashion. He didn’t necessarily believe he could return to using without consequences or loss of control, but for whatever reason, he did so anyway. That was in January. He’s been unable to put together much more than a few days in a row clean and sober since then. He continues to try – and that’s hopeful. But it is painful to watch him struggle. He knows recovery works because he had 7 or 8 years in recovery prior to January. I’m honestly worried he is going to die.
Another friend who returned to drinking after five years in recovery did so intentionally. He decided that he was going to try controlled drinking, hoping he can now control his alcohol consumption and hoping that it won’t lead him to back to using other drugs to which he was once addicted. I don’t know how he’s actually doing with this, but I sincerely hope it is working out as he hoped it would when he made that decision.
Sometimes these things have a domino effect. As I said, my one friend started using again in January. The second friend made his decision two or three months later. A guy that my second friend sponsored (I think he had about a year clean/sober) started using when he found out his sponsor made the decision to return to drinking, which then resulted in sending yet another friend (who was extremely close to the guy who had a year clean/sober) into somewhat of a tailspin and she has been having very little success at stringing together more than a few days clean and sober since she began using again.
All of this is happening right in front of me and all around me. I have a particular 12 step group I attend that I call my “home group.” These people are all part of this group, either as members or regular attenders. Therefore the domino effect is even further reaching because every other person in this group is touched by this in one way or another. Every person who is a part of this recovery group, every person who depends on this group of people in maintaining their own recovery, is affected… some more than others, of course.
Addiction is unlike anything I know. It is so hard to overcome on every level, at every stage. It is difficult to start recovery because you are so entrenched in your addiction when you realize you MUST do something about it that you truly believe you are on a never-ending cycle that is impossible to stop. Then once you do manage a small dose of recovery, to string together 20 or 30 or 60 days without using or drinking, your brain has been so altered (damaged dopamine receptors) that you feel absolutely no pleasure, which causes feelings of hopelessness, despair, disinterest, and depression. Imagine staying motivated in that state. Once your dopamine receptors are repaired – which happens at roughly 12 to 14 months after the last use – you have a much better chance at long-term recovery. Of course, you still have to battle the mental and psychological factors, of which there are many, but once your dopamine receptors are firing again you actually have hope restored and much more motivation to battle those psychological factors.
Fortunately, there is a lot of evidence that shows that the longer someone stays in recovery, the greater the chance that they will remain in recovery. If someone manages to get a year in recovery, their chances of getting another year increase by 35-40%. And that percentage just keeps going up the longer a person stays in recovery. But then there are the exceptions, like my friends with 7 years and 5 years, respectively, who are now actively using drugs and alcohol again. I don’t envy their renewed struggle to get back into recovery. I’ve been there. Well, I’ve been there after 5 months of recovery – until the past 19+ years since my last use of a mind-altering drug, 5 months was the most consecutive time in recovery I managed to maintain – and it never got easier, those initial stages, the struggle to stay motivated in spite of what felt like zero dopamine in my brain for months on end. I know if I return to using today, if I live through it, eventually I’ll have to start the process of recovery over again. I’m just not willing to go through those stages again at this point in my life. Any perceived (false) benefit to a return to using or drinking my mind may conjure up (which is part of the ongoing mental/psychological factors I mentioned earlier) is not worth the work I’ve put in to maintain my recovery these past 236 months.
As for my friends that have returned to using or drinking, I’m going to hold onto my recovery and wait right here for them, encouraging them however I can to take that first, most difficult, step back onto the path.
I’m Maze and I’m an addict in long-term recovery.
(reposted with permission from Conscious Contact)
